I won't say I'm alright with... this... I'm not. That's alright. It's better not to do denial. Combine it with Heaven's bloody system... that starts by telling me my existence is to be used...
[A quiet scoff. What shit. There's no memory, but there are echoes, cycles, things that happened over and over in mortality and things bleed. And here we are again and he has just had about enough. There was another system like that once upon a time, run by Mages just as inhuman as old Gods; Waver, along with many others, brought it crashing down.
... ah...
There's both sheer relief at Iskandar telling him this much, and knowledge that there's so much more he's not, because what could have caused the melt than a final straw breaking the camel's back? They're both the same in that way, aren't they? Self sacrificing idiots for the ones they love. Trying to spare each other pain...
So how does he define this in totality for Iskandar, without treading into areas that things must not go? Even speaking of it may be too much... given where the conversation may lead. Waver continues, still quiet, but after enough of a pause to indicate how very careful he's being.]
There's a heavy price for this kind of life - not saying all life doesn't have its due, but, it doesn't end at the loss of before. Some are comfortable with that cost. Some just don't realize it in full. Some... just get to know. It's a process living with it.
It's a hell of a fucking process. [And that's all he'll say.] But, I'm also a stubborn, ornery sort. Pain doesn't scare me. I'm strong, I'll fight through.
[When has Waver ever called himself strong before? His hands reach up to cover Iskandar's]
I have such good people in my life. My friends. Satya. You. You're doing so much that does ease things for me. A good home. Safety. As much freedom as possible. Just being there for me.
Just being there is a lot.
[That increasing relief - saying that he wants to make it right is something Waver realizes he desperately needed to hear - is tempered by realism. Do something, yes, but not rash, not thinking that it's guaranteed to succeed. 'Die trying' is very telling. So is the earlier mention of Hephaestion.
Isn't that you here? Getting a bit desperate?
... a good point. But he can do the calculus, and Waver finds he prefers to damn himself through action, even if that action must be patiently waiting on his ass in some cases. Which may be how he needs to play this with Iskandar, reminding him he's here and pushing for him to talk if things get too far (push and wait... a delicate balance, and one Waver's not sure he'll get right) even if it's not to him, and making sure he gets support while supporting Waver.]
But I've been fearing that I've not been doing enough either, especially when it comes to you. We're very much the same, even if we may come at things from very different angles. I know watching this is torment of its own and there's been other pressures. I don't know how to ease them for you, except try to be here.
[And this too is part of the cost. He alluded to it before when he spoke of what he saw in Gods. How many Gods would be on their way to ablutions based on what he sees in their eyes?
Now let Waver hug you and bury his face in your shoulder, Iskandar, because they both need it.]
Hearing that put my heart at ease a bit. I love you. But don't keep all that locked inside. Let what you can out to Satya and I. And if not us, then to people like Caster and Chris. Hell, even Hakkai. He's been where I am now.
no subject
[Soft, so soft.]
I won't say I'm alright with... this... I'm not. That's alright. It's better not to do denial. Combine it with Heaven's bloody system... that starts by telling me my existence is to be used...
[A quiet scoff. What shit. There's no memory, but there are echoes, cycles, things that happened over and over in mortality and things bleed. And here we are again and he has just had about enough. There was another system like that once upon a time, run by Mages just as inhuman as old Gods; Waver, along with many others, brought it crashing down.
... ah...
There's both sheer relief at Iskandar telling him this much, and knowledge that there's so much more he's not, because what could have caused the melt than a final straw breaking the camel's back? They're both the same in that way, aren't they? Self sacrificing idiots for the ones they love. Trying to spare each other pain...
So how does he define this in totality for Iskandar, without treading into areas that things must not go? Even speaking of it may be too much... given where the conversation may lead. Waver continues, still quiet, but after enough of a pause to indicate how very careful he's being.]
There's a heavy price for this kind of life - not saying all life doesn't have its due, but, it doesn't end at the loss of before. Some are comfortable with that cost. Some just don't realize it in full. Some... just get to know. It's a process living with it.
It's a hell of a fucking process. [And that's all he'll say.] But, I'm also a stubborn, ornery sort. Pain doesn't scare me. I'm strong, I'll fight through.
[When has Waver ever called himself strong before? His hands reach up to cover Iskandar's]
I have such good people in my life. My friends. Satya. You. You're doing so much that does ease things for me. A good home. Safety. As much freedom as possible. Just being there for me.
Just being there is a lot.
[That increasing relief - saying that he wants to make it right is something Waver realizes he desperately needed to hear - is tempered by realism. Do something, yes, but not rash, not thinking that it's guaranteed to succeed. 'Die trying' is very telling. So is the earlier mention of Hephaestion.
Isn't that you here? Getting a bit desperate?
... a good point. But he can do the calculus, and Waver finds he prefers to damn himself through action, even if that action must be patiently waiting on his ass in some cases. Which may be how he needs to play this with Iskandar, reminding him he's here and pushing for him to talk if things get too far (push and wait... a delicate balance, and one Waver's not sure he'll get right) even if it's not to him, and making sure he gets support while supporting Waver.]
But I've been fearing that I've not been doing enough either, especially when it comes to you. We're very much the same, even if we may come at things from very different angles. I know watching this is torment of its own and there's been other pressures. I don't know how to ease them for you, except try to be here.
[And this too is part of the cost. He alluded to it before when he spoke of what he saw in Gods. How many Gods would be on their way to ablutions based on what he sees in their eyes?
Now let Waver hug you and bury his face in your shoulder, Iskandar, because they both need it.]
Hearing that put my heart at ease a bit. I love you. But don't keep all that locked inside. Let what you can out to Satya and I. And if not us, then to people like Caster and Chris. Hell, even Hakkai. He's been where I am now.