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[The recording begins regularly enough. A deep voice intones with all the enthusiasm of a call center operator giving their rote pitch:]
Hello, this is Waver Velvet. Leave a short message with date, time, and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
[Suddenly there is an excited voice in the background clamoring for Waver's attention and not going to let up until Waver completely gives them exactly that.]
Stop! Idiot! Can't you see I'm trying to record something?!
... hold on! Hold on!
[This thing still on? Yes? Okay then...]
Give me your number! I'll call you back when I bloody well can!
[More excited cajoling and Waver squawking before the recording goes click!]
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[Oh dear. Oh dear. ... Waver hasn't gotten around to changing this, has he? You're hearing it, after all. Maybe you should... remind him to change his voice mail message. After you leave your message.
Remember! Leave a number!]
no subject
That he does, but mmm...
Hakkai's in the same boat a lot of people here are.
[Applecarts.
Waver's eyes fall closed and he leans into that touch like a cat. Ah, no hiding behind his hair? From his core flickers a command for sleep, and when he opens them again, they are dull with fatigue for just a moment before they clear. His expression is soft.
Yes, he had been expecting that one.]
There's a list, certainly. [There's the smallest self aware tug of a smile.] I don't think that would surprise anyone.
no subject
[He didn't want to sound so ... Angry? He's not angry. Not jealous either. Just don't ... He's not...
A sigh. There's a list. Of course, there is. How could it not be?]
I suspected as much.
[He smiles. His hand stays where it was as Waver closes his eyes. Such contrast. Waver has a complexion of someone who spends much more time indoors than out in the field. Pale and smooth. Touching him is like holding precious alabaster. He is like alabaster. Even the light shines through him the same. In comparison, Iskandar is dark and rough and covered in scars. He has scars even on his fingers. Such contrast and yet ...]
Will you share? Maybe we can find a remedy for your worries together.
no subject
[Keep that hand there. Waver nuzzles in, hands coming up to cover it. It's his shelter.]
... Hakkai's struggling with the burden. So do I in those moments when it strikes me. It's a hard thing to take with grace.
[Or jade. One of the reasons jade is associated with divinity and virtue is because of its transparency.
He nods against that strong hand. Of course he will. This will never work if he doesn't.]
What did you think of that post and the opinions on it?
no subject
Never is a man truly helpless. Unless he makes himself so.
There are always limits to power. They just are not as fixed as most think. You do the best what you can at a given time with the means at your disposal.
[A sigh. How can he possibly know what troubles Cho Hakkai? They barely spoke on two occasions. Not enough to ever warrant an opinion on what weight a man carries. If any...]
Then it seems you know him better than I do.
But tell me how are his troubles connected to yours? What is that burden that you struggle with?
[Because it’s not just about that network post. Or is it?]
I assume that you’ve read how I responded. So my opinion on subject is known. As for the question itself?
I’m curious who’s asking. He seems to be a man of some strict ideals. Maybe he’s questioning their validity? Maybe seeking affirmation of them? It’s hard to tell without knowing who that person is.
There are several people I can definitely rule out. Myself of course,
those who responded in their own name. Other than that, it’s a wild guess.
Which is a pity because it’s already difficult to give a good answer to such broad a question.
The other answers? There are couple of rather peculiar ones. Some I disagree with completely. Some look sound even if a little impractical. But at least they show good will. That’s a start.
What more do you want to know?
no subject
Iskandar is strong, stronger than anyone he knows, but maybe that's too rigid an outlook. Under the right hammer blow it could shatter.]
Certainly, that's true. They aren't fixed and there are always options. However there are certain things we can't truly control, no matter what's at our fingertips, even if we search for solutions. [Because Waver is not lying down and taking this; however, he also understands it may be futile or the answer may not come in time, though it feels tantalizing close. It just comes down to faith.] Sometimes Fate just outguns someone and puts them in what feels like an impossible situation.
We shared a drink in Hawaii. I know a few things from him and others. He wasn't able to be at the fight at the compound - and I do know that Cho Hakkai is the sort of man that would drag himself rotting from the grave to be there for Chikusa and Ken. It was tearing him apart. Previous matters I think just made things worse.
[Care, Waver Velvet, craft your words with care. Iskandar has given you his heart and words are deadly weapons not to just shinki.
Perhaps the care is noticeable. Waver's been mistaken for a god before. He speaks with conviction. He speaks in ways that suggest experience. He minimizes anything that would suggest his shinki state. ... he notices how people treat him when he does.
Even his eyes convey a certainty of self that might be absent in another. He has an answer for who am I?
It's 'myself.'
It makes all the difference.]
It's a burden everyone is struggling with in some way, don't you think? The feeling of helplessness... of not doing enough for the ones we care for or being enough or being there. Of having events spin so out of control and not knowing what to do. I see it all around me - especially in gods - I certainly recognize it in myself.
[Waver, with a look, asks a single question with his eyes. Are you feeling helpless? Then turns and kisses Iskandar's palm in reassurance.
It's okay if you are.
It's not just about the network post, no.]
... mm, that could have been a 'she' you know. ... I admit... now I'm curious about the ones that baffled or caused you to disagree... but... well...
[His eyes shutter. Water under the bridge.]
How do you feel all that maps out here? For you, I mean.
no subject
[Iskandar raises to his knees, his other hand going to Waver's cheek as he leans forward until their foreheads touch. Waver's face cradled in his hands. His voice barely above a whisper when he finally speaks.]
Waver. My love. My light. Remember, you're not alone in this struggle. Nothing is impossible when we are together. And I don't mean just you and me. Even if we are already quite a force on our own. I mean everybody. All of us. You, me, Satya, my followers. Even all the gods and shinki of the Far Shore. The moment we go past our differences, and I say not forget them just don't let them interfere, is the moment we can accomplish anything.
[A king is never alone. Nor is any of his people. For he's with them in their waking hours and watches over them when they sleep. Even if they don't see him. Even if he's not physically there. They are always in his thoughts. Never they are without his presence.]
There was once a day when I lost half of my soul. A day when all I saw was ash and darkness. When I thought I would never see the light of the sun, feel the breeze on my face, hear the sound of the rain or laughter. A day when I thought I will never laugh again. But I had people to drag me back from the brink of the abyss so I could live. And live I did. That wound I still carry and it may never heal. But I live. As long as I live I can act and I can make a difference even if it's a small one. So can you.
[Yes, he has his own views on what being alive on the Far Shore means.]
The things we do. So many times they are different from what we set out to accomplish. I know that this shinki condition is torment for you.
[Iskandar would happily take your pain on himself. He's used to pain. What his not used to, nor ever will be, is watching his love suffer.]
I see this. I'm trying to ease it for you ...
[Not being able to reflect back on himself. To investigate or analyze certain things. That must feel like prison for a mind like Waver's. It doesn't help that Iskandar must withhold so much from him. It feels, and rightfully so, that he is adding to the anguish at the same time as he's trying to lessen it. A truly impossible knot. And he does not have a sword sharp enough to cut through it. At least not yet.]
but I don't know if what I do has any effect. In that, yes, I fear I'm not doing enough.
[Even that is not all. He pauses gathering his thoughts. Trying to put into words all he felt since he arrived here.]
This place? I'm not very fond of it. It has robbed me of my foundation, of my people. And what has it given me in return?
[He huffs. There's small crack of electricity.]
Sparks.
[Never has been a word spoken with such disdain. Such derision.]
It has made me some minor god among those who don't want me in a country that does not speak my language nor understand my customs and certainly does not share my values. I never wanted to be a god. I was quite content with being human. I actually preferred it that way. But I would not deny my heritage. No matter if I like it or not I am son of Zeus. [and son of Philip.]
Being divine in a sense the Old Gods here see it? Eternal, unchanging and always right? Removed from the world of human experience so much they need Exemplars to guide them back? That's not life. That's death. I am not going down that path.
But I've been worse. I'll adapt. I'll rebuild. It is a painfully slow process but time is one thing we all have in abundance and I can take quite a lot of pain. I'm not afraid of it.
You are part of the reason why, my love. You, Satya, the lawyers, the gamers, even those teenage delinquents that frequent the dojo. All of you are my people now.
That is why I don't feel helpless. Yes, there is a lot of chaos. There are things I don't understand. Things I have no control over. Sometimes I'm just scrambling, trying to form a strategy on the information I don't have, with the resources I am missing. But I've done this before. Nothing like that ever stopped me. I will make it right for us...or I'll die trying.
no subject
[Soft, so soft.]
I won't say I'm alright with... this... I'm not. That's alright. It's better not to do denial. Combine it with Heaven's bloody system... that starts by telling me my existence is to be used...
[A quiet scoff. What shit. There's no memory, but there are echoes, cycles, things that happened over and over in mortality and things bleed. And here we are again and he has just had about enough. There was another system like that once upon a time, run by Mages just as inhuman as old Gods; Waver, along with many others, brought it crashing down.
... ah...
There's both sheer relief at Iskandar telling him this much, and knowledge that there's so much more he's not, because what could have caused the melt than a final straw breaking the camel's back? They're both the same in that way, aren't they? Self sacrificing idiots for the ones they love. Trying to spare each other pain...
So how does he define this in totality for Iskandar, without treading into areas that things must not go? Even speaking of it may be too much... given where the conversation may lead. Waver continues, still quiet, but after enough of a pause to indicate how very careful he's being.]
There's a heavy price for this kind of life - not saying all life doesn't have its due, but, it doesn't end at the loss of before. Some are comfortable with that cost. Some just don't realize it in full. Some... just get to know. It's a process living with it.
It's a hell of a fucking process. [And that's all he'll say.] But, I'm also a stubborn, ornery sort. Pain doesn't scare me. I'm strong, I'll fight through.
[When has Waver ever called himself strong before? His hands reach up to cover Iskandar's]
I have such good people in my life. My friends. Satya. You. You're doing so much that does ease things for me. A good home. Safety. As much freedom as possible. Just being there for me.
Just being there is a lot.
[That increasing relief - saying that he wants to make it right is something Waver realizes he desperately needed to hear - is tempered by realism. Do something, yes, but not rash, not thinking that it's guaranteed to succeed. 'Die trying' is very telling. So is the earlier mention of Hephaestion.
Isn't that you here? Getting a bit desperate?
... a good point. But he can do the calculus, and Waver finds he prefers to damn himself through action, even if that action must be patiently waiting on his ass in some cases. Which may be how he needs to play this with Iskandar, reminding him he's here and pushing for him to talk if things get too far (push and wait... a delicate balance, and one Waver's not sure he'll get right) even if it's not to him, and making sure he gets support while supporting Waver.]
But I've been fearing that I've not been doing enough either, especially when it comes to you. We're very much the same, even if we may come at things from very different angles. I know watching this is torment of its own and there's been other pressures. I don't know how to ease them for you, except try to be here.
[And this too is part of the cost. He alluded to it before when he spoke of what he saw in Gods. How many Gods would be on their way to ablutions based on what he sees in their eyes?
Now let Waver hug you and bury his face in your shoulder, Iskandar, because they both need it.]
Hearing that put my heart at ease a bit. I love you. But don't keep all that locked inside. Let what you can out to Satya and I. And if not us, then to people like Caster and Chris. Hell, even Hakkai. He's been where I am now.