I found Mine in town during the most recent influx of gembonded. I don't know if I did the right thing in approaching him. I don't think I could have stopped myself regardless. He's the same way he was 10 years ago, all he remembers is falling from the hospital * I didn't know how intensely he felt for me until the end. He wanted another life so that he could be a better man for me, that was the last thing he said back then. He feels like now is his chance. The need to do things right this time is overwhelming. Sometimes I look at him and all I see is death. Sometimes I'm so gripped with fear of losing him that I can't let go of his hand. I don't know if I've done the right thing.
[* (it was a hospital not the millenium tower, I hecked that up when he told that story woops)]
[He's going to take a minute here, because while this is not the first reunion of this nature he's had someone come to him about, this is the first time it's not been someone from his world, and he has to remind himself of that.
And ache privately because between Flat and Iskandar...]
First, what you're feeling is normal. Accept it as normal.
[Well... if his own experience is normal. That is difficult to say. Mages don't do humanity - divorced from emotional attachment and empathy - and while Waver's accepted and reluctantly embraced his, he knows he's deeply messed up on many levels and it doesn't speak well of him.]
Don't put it terms of the right thing - you've done the best you can and that's all you can do in this kind of situation, no matter what happens. These things are messy at best and they don't get better for a long while. What matters right now making sure that he is okay and you are okay in this moment, and nothing else.
[Mmm... reading that back to himself makes him feel like a hypocrite, because that's never what he says to himself, but it's what it is. The situations here, after all, are very different.]
You can show him the way to be a better man and support him, but ultimately that journey is his and he has to decide to be one at every step. Mine is responsible for its success - if it doesn't turn out well, it doesn't mean you didn't do everything you could. Or your love wasn't enough.
... what do you think would happen if you did keep your distance? Would it help that fixation or make it worse?
It would be a return to form. We weren't out, we weren't together. Maybe if I had been a lower ranking officer. I couldn't as chairman. We could only be oath brothers, which entails our allegiance to one another. He'll let me walk away because he'll do as I say. But he won't consider breaking his oath. It's an absolute to him. It's an absolute to me. I should have more faith in him. But if his strength fails I'm certain I'll have to bury him again. When he's weak he thinks he doesn't deserve to live.
[Oh... this is getting a little too close for comfort and Waver's grateful that this conversation is occurring through text. Oath brothers and pledging fealty to a king are thankfully... different, though. There's a kindness here that it's the former and not the latter.]
Then a return to form won't work for the both of you.
... I know you can't go through that again. But even the strongest of us falter. Why does he believe weakness deserves death?
[For him, it took ten years after the bridge to get to a point where he could get by his desire to join Iskandar in the afterlife (although he would never join him; not when he'd enter the cycle of reincarnation and Iskandar was interred on the Throne of Heroes). Even then...
Gokudo doesn't precisely discourage the idea. He's severe with what he views as a failing. He came to the clan wanting to know why men would die for me. He wants a higher ideal to live for and fill the absence in his life. Clan doctrine feeds his dream of Sacrifice, hard work, responsibility, utter devotion. But it's meant to be in service to others, not a weapon against yourself. I tried to instill that but I don't know where it went wrong. I was in a coma after taking a bullet before I woke up on that rooftop. I didn't have the chance to ask him why. He's still begging to live for me and not himself now.
... I would say Mine needs to accept the person he is is enough, before even thinking of trying to improve himself, then. That that person has worth and deserves to live. Both to you and the people around him. No matter how flawed he is. That he won't be abandoned or rejected or betrayed.
Otherwise nothing will improve, no matter what is done.
It's probably the most difficult journey a person can take. But if he's going to truly live, he must.
Even among friends, it wasn't something to talk about. It won't shock you that the yakuza are more the type to suffer in silence. It's strange to pull open such an old wound.
I can relate. Some things are just too vulnerable even for the people we care for. Especially them. Not when you have to be the one that doesn't crumble.
[Or for as much as they love you and want to protect you, they'd let things slip to the ones that would hurt you, tear you down.]
Yes. It tells you how much it's really healed. And how much is just... convincing yourself it did. It's always an experience.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
un: acala
Date: 2021-04-11 01:41 am (UTC)From:I found Mine in town during the most recent influx of gembonded.
I don't know if I did the right thing in approaching him.
I don't think I could have stopped myself regardless.
He's the same way he was 10 years ago, all he remembers is falling from the hospital *
I didn't know how intensely he felt for me until the end.
He wanted another life so that he could be a better man for me, that was the last thing he said back then.
He feels like now is his chance.
The need to do things right this time is overwhelming.
Sometimes I look at him and all I see is death.
Sometimes I'm so gripped with fear of losing him that I can't let go of his hand.
I don't know if I've done the right thing.
[* (it was a hospital not the millenium tower, I hecked that up when he told that story woops)]
un: el-melloi_ii
Date: 2021-04-11 05:04 am (UTC)From:And ache privately because between Flat and Iskandar...]
First, what you're feeling is normal. Accept it as normal.
[Well... if his own experience is normal. That is difficult to say. Mages don't do humanity - divorced from emotional attachment and empathy - and while Waver's accepted and reluctantly embraced his, he knows he's deeply messed up on many levels and it doesn't speak well of him.]
Don't put it terms of the right thing - you've done the best you can and that's all you can do in this kind of situation, no matter what happens. These things are messy at best and they don't get better for a long while. What matters right now making sure that he is okay and you are okay in this moment, and nothing else.
[Mmm... reading that back to himself makes him feel like a hypocrite, because that's never what he says to himself, but it's what it is. The situations here, after all, are very different.]
no subject
Date: 2021-04-11 06:36 am (UTC)From:He's still volatile, and very fixated on me.
[ He'd found Mine still bloody and shirtless with his fist smashed through a directory window. ]
I'd like to think it would just take time.
But I don't know if I'm the person who can teach him.
I certainly didn't manage the first time.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-12 06:20 am (UTC)From:You can show him the way to be a better man and support him, but ultimately that journey is his and he has to decide to be one at every step. Mine is responsible for its success - if it doesn't turn out well, it doesn't mean you didn't do everything you could. Or your love wasn't enough.
... what do you think would happen if you did keep your distance? Would it help that fixation or make it worse?
no subject
Date: 2021-04-12 09:32 am (UTC)From:We weren't out, we weren't together.
Maybe if I had been a lower ranking officer.
I couldn't as chairman.
We could only be oath brothers, which entails our allegiance to one another.
He'll let me walk away because he'll do as I say.
But he won't consider breaking his oath. It's an absolute to him.
It's an absolute to me.
I should have more faith in him.
But if his strength fails I'm certain I'll have to bury him again.
When he's weak he thinks he doesn't deserve to live.
cw; discussion of suicidal ideation
Date: 2021-04-14 05:09 am (UTC)From:Then a return to form won't work for the both of you.
... I know you can't go through that again. But even the strongest of us falter. Why does he believe weakness deserves death?
[For him, it took ten years after the bridge to get to a point where he could get by his desire to join Iskandar in the afterlife (although he would never join him; not when he'd enter the cycle of reincarnation and Iskandar was interred on the Throne of Heroes). Even then...
Mmmm. Far, far too close for comfort...]
cw; discussion of suicidal ideation
Date: 2021-04-14 07:52 am (UTC)From:He's severe with what he views as a failing.
He came to the clan wanting to know why men would die for me.
He wants a higher ideal to live for and fill the absence in his life.
Clan doctrine feeds his dream of
Sacrifice, hard work, responsibility, utter devotion.
But it's meant to be in service to others, not a weapon against yourself.
I tried to instill that but I don't know where it went wrong.
I was in a coma after taking a bullet before I woke up on that rooftop.
I didn't have the chance to ask him why.
He's still begging to live for me and not himself now.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-14 07:38 pm (UTC)From:That is him. Through a mirror, perhaps darkly.
.................................]
I think... perhaps, I understand.
... I would say Mine needs to accept the person he is is enough, before even thinking of trying to improve himself, then. That that person has worth and deserves to live. Both to you and the people around him. No matter how flawed he is. That he won't be abandoned or rejected or betrayed.
Otherwise nothing will improve, no matter what is done.
It's probably the most difficult journey a person can take. But if he's going to truly live, he must.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-15 05:40 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2021-04-15 09:51 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2021-04-16 02:31 am (UTC)From:Sorry, if it isn't now. I know it can... be just as hard on the outside.
I appreciate it.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-16 10:50 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2021-04-18 06:06 am (UTC)From:It won't shock you that the yakuza are more the type to suffer in silence.
It's strange to pull open such an old wound.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 04:42 am (UTC)From:[Or for as much as they love you and want to protect you, they'd let things slip to the ones that would hurt you, tear you down.]
Yes. It tells you how much it's really healed. And how much is just... convincing yourself it did. It's always an experience.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-19 06:37 am (UTC)From:It's not something to wish on anyone.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-21 06:06 am (UTC)From: